Things that go bump

Rule of thumb:  (a term used not intended to be accurate for every situation).  The rule of thumb for things that go bump in the night are: before bedding down each night it is good practice to check under the bed for monsters, in the closet for the Boogie Man and leave a little $1.99 night lite plugged into the wall to keep any creepy crawley creatures from coming out of hiding for a midnight snack.  At least, that was my enbedded belief and there were no certain rules about things that go bump in the day.

On most days, the after work ritual begins in the kitchen minutes after putting down the contents of the daily train travel gear on the dining room table.  On other days, a lethargic breeze arrives at the same time I do and I have to take a nap. There I was, last Wednesday, drifting into some shut eye while listening to an Eddy Murphy dialogue from "Trading Places."  I can't remember the last time I saw this movie, but this time it I only half listened while I gazed very still into the back of my eyelids.

After dinner, Mom decided our dog, Sonata, should go for a walk.  She placed the bedazzled collar and leash on her and she headed into the house with dog, collar and leash in hand to deliver to me so I could go the rest of the way around the block. "Ana, ve con Sonata a dar una vuelta a la manzana." Mom ordered.  We, Cubans, affectionately call going around the block as, "la vuelta a la manzana." 'La vuelta' means 'go around' and 'la manzana' means 'the apple'.  I suspect, planned communities in Cuba must have been apple shaped in order for this term to be coined, but that is a story for another day.   

Buzz...the door bell rings.  I find this to be the most annoying sound, especially a week night and after dinner when all is calm and all is bright in the peaceful privacy of an evening at home alone with the family - the family that sleeps under our roof that is.  Note: also common in tribal homes like ours; people who do not sleep under our roof spend endless hours under our roof daily.  This had to be said. 

As I looked out the window,  I saw four tall people; two couples to be exact.  I did not recognize them, but I opened the door just the same.  If you live in Hialeah, the other rule of thumb is that you have the option to fore go the opening of a door, just proceed to dial 911.  I should have done the latter.

I gathered my strength and decided to face the conversation. This is where the evening became as bitter as a gin and tonic could get.

Stranger number one: " Ola.  Somos Fulano and Fulana y amigos. We are here because your cousin said to meet her at your place since they did not have enough room to have the get-together at theirs."

Me: "Um, Ola...ahhh...You are kidding, right?  I had no idea."

Stranger number two: "No, her place was full and we couldn't even park our car."

Me: " I am terribly sorry, but you need to make other plans.  I am not up for hosting another's reunion.  You will need to make other arrangements. I can't. I - I didn't know anything."

Stranger number one: under his breath, "Guagh. Not very hospitable." "What do we do?" He says to strangers two, three and four.

Stranger number three to Stranger number four: "We will wait for the others. Here."

Me: "Here? Others? What others? Others?"

Stranger number one: "She told the rest of the group to come here as well."

At that very moment, before uttering an audible sound since my vocabulary had just deteriorated into a gargle, a car pulled up with a load of my cousins entourage - a movable party wagon.  I was beyond horrified. 

Just when I thought it couldn't get worse,  Sonata released herself from her bedazzled collar and bejewelled leash and charged for the bushes after the neighbor's inopportune cat.  I ran after her in a frenzy while watching my front lawn overflow with cars and solo cups- naturally. 

No sooner did I have Sonata plugged back into her be-clumsy collar, I realized that some of the "guests" had slipped into the house and had planted themselves inside my living space.  How was I to explain this to my family? My husband was going to blow a flammable Iberian fuse! How do I stop the insanity? My neighbors? Why does my family do these things? ...All of these ramblings and more raced through my curdling, blood boiling cells...

I ran inside and locked the door.  I frenetically and not very gracefully started shouting, "Out! You need to leave! Out! Fuera!" I started plucking people out of the family room and living room while single filing them out the door.  What anguish and what relief!

I walked over to my master bedroom to find three elderly ladies going thru my drawers.  I saw RED.  I lightly searched them over when I saw they were helping themselves to some baubles from my jewelry box.  How is this possible? I couldn't help myself and led them abrasively through the hallway and to the front door.  SLAM! As I closed the door, I heard someone outside asking about the food service.  You know, "Where do we order some grub?"I can't imagine where we would have ended up that night had I not taken my blood pressure medicine that morning.  Well, maybe I can.

As I saw the last person out, I told my son to call the police (911) because the ho-down was still happening on  my formerly manicured and newly trashed front lawn.  It was a scene out Dante's inferno.  My heart was beating out of control.  I was certain I was going to have a heart attack.  I was even dizzy.  I slowly turned my head to compose myself when I realized that the room was dark. I had been asleep all along. It was so real; a nightmare.   Eddy Murphy's chaotic back drop must have creeped into my silent space and stimulated my lethargy. Hmm, I must have sleepwalked feet-first into the scene which Murphy invites all of his  homie barflies back to his new luxe condo and later kicks the very same out for smashing his new place to bits.  

A half hour passed and my heart rate was still doing a bongo beat instead of pleasant pulse.  I have invested in brighter night lites and plan to keep Eddy Murphy out of my room. Sometimes things that go bump in the night are brought on by things that go grind in the day.