The return of a burnout....me...

Edvard Munch - The Scream

'En un santiamen'...one fine day in late October 2012 my last weak wick burnt out! After eight years of diligently working two jobs, parsing through health issues, navigating ministries, conflicts, family and finances, I woke up one morning and found I had nothing left.  I could do no more to recover except to get out from behind the wheel, steer violently off the road and park myself in a dark musty garage with no windows and limited contact with the outside world. 

I broke ties with everyone.  I made deals with myself and repeated that this was temporary - it was not a divorce, more like a temporary separation - until better. Although better was an illusion at best.

No sooner did I park myself in that dark place, I became bitterly  ill with chronic, rib rattling bronchitis that lasted over two months; four visits to urgent care, no sleep, no rest, no voice, no desire and no energy. All drama aside, November 11th marked the decline of 2012 and I became a lifeless piece of chopped liver.

I looked to the heaven's and asked God many times what His plans were for this 'asmatica cronica Catolica'? He began to offer some subtle answers. 

I found that, He gave me permission to take a vacation from myself and revealed that not only was I a closet case of 'burnout' in denial, but also a classic case.

If you google Wiki and  or Miriam Webster you will find what I found - the following definition of 'burnout" illustrations et. al.:

1: : the cessation of operation usually of a jet or rocket engine; also: the point at which burnout occurs

2: a: exhaustion of physical or emotional strength or motivation usually as a result of prolonged stress or frustration

3: b: a person suffering from burnout 

 

 

Moreover, I suffered from all   12 classic phases that led to my combustion of lethargy including: the compulsion to prove oneself, working harder, neglecting my needs, displacing conflicts, revision of values, denial of emerging problems, withdrawal, obvious behavioral changes, depersonalization, inner emptiness, depression and burnout syndrome. 

 

It has taken a few months to climb out - October through January.  I wished it would have been easier, but this just couldn't be fixed with 'cuatro meprobamatos' and a glass of milk.

 

No one knew  - not even my closest friends.  My family thought I was going through a phase.

 

For the last few months I reported to work from nine to five because it had to be only to arrive home to a sullen darkened room,  a lifeless flatscreen with images from the 'Lifetime Channel' and a twist of 'Sundance'.   Not a real life, not really.

 

Today, I know that the final leg to my recovery hinges on future social support.  It is now time that I reconnect and recreate an organizationally-supportive environment. Such as my girl Liz Taylor proclaimed, " "Pour yourself a drink, put on some lipstick, and pull yourself together."

 

I look forward to reacquainting myself with everyone in 2013!

 

Hiatus is officially over - I think!